“Thinking of identity as an artifact all by itself is unsatisfactory because it leaves out important details about how identities are created and how they evolve…relationships are the landscapes in which identities exist.”
Bob Blakely.
In a perfect world, our age, race, and gender are irrelevant to how others perceive us. Sadly, we don’t live in a perfect world. These factors, and others, not only influence how others see us, but also how we see ourselves. And the way we see ourselves, in turn, influences our identity, behaviours and beliefs.
Every day, the things we do, and the people we do them with, define our identity. Extensive studies carried out by psychologists Mattingly, Lewandowski and McIntyre show that people in close personal relationships notice changes in their self-concepts as a result of being with their partners.
These changes can be divided into four distinct groups:
Self-expansion – when you gain positive traits.
Self-adulteration – when you pick up negative traits.
Self-contraction – when you lose positive traits.
Self-pruning – when you lose negative traits.
It’s not only our close personal relationships that influence who we are. All the people we interact with everyday mold and shape our lives to greater or lesser degrees. We are by nature social creatures, and we yearn for connection, recognition, and validation from others. We want to know we are part of something bigger than ourselves, and we depend on our relationships for comfort, laughter, security, routine and companionship.
The relationships we have with family, friends and out greater society as a whole have a deep and profound impact on the development of our personalities. Numerous studies show compelling evidence that people who have strong relationships enjoy longer, happier and healthier lives, and that being alone or isolated creates health risks similar to those associated with high blood pressure, obesity and smoking. Whether healthy or dysfunctional, relationships are a powerful influence on the way in which we define ourselves.
This is not, overall, a bad thing, but we should just be aware of the importance of not allowing our relationships to be the only things that define who we are. Let’s not put all our eggs in that basket. Let’s remind ourselves that while the power and influence of our relationships is inescapable, undeniable and indeed, welcome, we are also still individuals with our own thoughts, behaviours, and emotions. So let’s self-prune, but not self-contract.