Anger is natural, normal and healthy. We need to understand that. It’s perfectly alright to feel angry when you, or someone you care about, have been wronged or mistreated in some way. What is not normal, healthy or alright, however, is when we lose our self-control and express that anger in a threatening, harmful, unjust or upsetting way.
Anger is a natural response to feeling threatened. It inspires strong feelings of aggression that, if unchecked, are often turned into actions. This is not always a bad thing. A certain amount of angry behaviour has always been necessary, historically, during battles and wars, for example, to help contribute to our survival.
Anger becomes a problem when it’s expressed inappropriately – at the wrong time and in the wrong way.
“There’s nothing wrong with anger provided you use it constructively.”
Wayne Dyer
As with all emotions, anger is accompanied by biological and physiological changes. When we’re angry, our blood pressure and heart rate climb, as do our levels of the energy hormones adrenaline and noradrenaline. Instinctively, our response to feeling angry is to become aggressive – physically, verbally or both. Fortunately, societal norms, laws and, hopefully, common sense, stop us from giving in to this instinct, and we use our powers of self-control to keep our anger within acceptable boundaries.
When people use self-control to deal with their feelings of anger, they exercise a combination of conscious and unconscious processes to either express, suppress or calm their feelings.
Expressing your angry feelings is the healthiest option, provided this is done in an assertive, not aggressive, way. Being assertive means communicating your feelings clearly without hurting others. It’s a respectful way to get your needs recognised and addressed without being demanding or pushy, and while still taking other people’s feelings into account.
When you suppress anger, it is possible to re-channel it into more positive areas so that those feelings of energy and aggression are used to achieve something constructive. The problem with always suppressing your anger is that instead of your feelings being expressed and acknowledged, they are buried inside you, and this can cause depression, high blood pressure and hypertension.
People who habitually suppress their anger because they lack the self-control to express it in a non-aggressive way are often perpetually critical, cynical and hostile towards others. This naturally leads to their being unsuccessful in most relationships in their lives.
“Anger ventilated often hurries towards forgiveness; anger concealed often hardens into revenge.”
Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton
Calming your anger means controlling both your inner and outer responses, actively working to lower your heart rate and control your breathing. Meditation and relaxation are highly successful techniques to help calm angry feelings. Even something as simple as taking a deep breath and counting to 10 can help.